i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
