im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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