I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
