This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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