summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
