I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
