I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
