i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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