I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
