Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
