I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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