After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My bed smells like the plague
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
