why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
