So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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