This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
