he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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