You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
