There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
