Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
