why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
