Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
