I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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