I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
