my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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