I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
