I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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