It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
