Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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