tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
