we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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