No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bring me that man meat
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