I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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