Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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