dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
