i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
