i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
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