I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So many bounce houses so little time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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