3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
accomplished twins. life is a go
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
