just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
