You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
