I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
where are my eyebrows?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
