did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
