you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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