He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
