I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
