i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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