Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
