Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize