i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
