Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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