I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
this is an emotional support booty call
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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