He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Yo dont text me then not text me
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize