Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
