i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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