I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
