70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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