I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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