My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
