Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
